You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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