I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
