im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
we're so committed to being not committed
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