just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
