I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
