Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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