When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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