so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
