I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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