My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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