this beer tastes like vomit already
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
