Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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