I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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