Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
