if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
