I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
