we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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