I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
