I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize