So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
