omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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