On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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