this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize