someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I could fuck to npr.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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