I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
