I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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