My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
