I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
