I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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