So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
