I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
