i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
