I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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