and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
