I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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