I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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