Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
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