And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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