Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
