Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize