Can i not drive my cunt home
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
