so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
