My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
