my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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