Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
