also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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