The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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