I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
