So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
