I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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