Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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