we have pet lesbian snakes
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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