i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You need Xanax blowdarts
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize