i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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