My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
