I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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