Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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