She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
